


Lusus Naturae (or The Miscellaneous Near-Death Experiences of Sasuke Uchiha)

by heimai



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Alternate Universe - Magic, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Monsters, Romance, Slow Burn, Werewolves, these tags are a mess im so sorry, this fic is a lot of fun tho i promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25308268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heimai/pseuds/heimai
Summary: Throughout their high school career, Sasuke and Sakura have been aiming to escape their small town and attend Konoha University. On their very first day, however, Sasuke pulls a stunt that lands them in the Dean’s office, where they’re faced with a difficult choice: become the resident assistants for the Konoha Historic, the campus’s infamous dormitory, or face expulsion. They’d hoped it would be nothing more than spoiled rich kids who can’t do laundry, but there’s something strange lurking in every corner of the old house. Almost worse than that, Sasuke been specifically assigned to keep an eye on Naruto, one of Konoha Historic’s most notorious residents. He’s also Sasuke’s old flame, one that he can’t seem to put out no matter how hard he tries. From haunted toasters and chipped fangs to accidental arson and stealing statues, Sasuke and Sakura will have a lifetime of stories—if they can make it out alive, that is.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto, this is a no sasusaku household, to be clear its sakura AND sasuke
Comments: 50
Kudos: 83





	1. Freshman Disorientation

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! with probably the weirdest plot of all my posted fics!  
> I've been working on 4 different writing projects at the same time but haven't posted anything for a while, I'm not sure why. I figured it was about time though, so here it is! I've missed my boys, i could write (and have written) 50 stories with them in it and not get sick of them. I also love the chance to write more Sakura; if Kishimoto had let them be gay I think they would have been great friends  
> I know it's a little wordy, but I have so so much fun writing this fic honestly, it def takes my mind off things, so I hope you have fun reading it!

Sasuke had made it too far in life nameless to have one being demanded of him now. Especially by whoever the man standing in front of him was; he looked like the subject of several Title IX complaints. This was one of the reasons he’d quit being an Uchiha, this lumbering idiot grinning down at him. The Goliath to his David. 

Or, Sasuke was making a mountain out of a molehill, but frankly he’d had a shit start to his day. To say he wasn’t in the mood was an understatement. He’d spent several hours on a cramped sweaty bus and then several hours sitting on the ground next to said bus as smoke billowed out of its ass. Another bus came around, but his mood had already soured considerably. He was ridiculously late to the orientation day he’d been waiting years for.

Coming here, to Konoha University, was supposed to be his final step in metamorphosis. Sasuke would step over the line between past and future, and that line would be the huge golden gates with a K emblazoned on one side and U on the other. He’d emerge from his cocoon, exactly the same as before but in a place where he wasn’t flagrantly notorious.

That, however, was a naive thought. You couldn’t roll into one of the most prestigious colleges in the country with ease, especially fresh off a bus from a town with one corner store and potholes so deep they’d total your car. 

Sasuke hailed from Birchwood, which most residents affectionately called Bitchwood. The population was just shy of 2,000. You had to drive at least half an hour to do anything decently fun, unless you wanted to smoke in a parking lot or jump off a big rock into a lake. That was it. That’s the best description Sasuke had. That’s where he was from.

Well, Bitch hadn’t always been his home. He could remember infinity pools, and glittering chandeliers. He remembered pressing his forehead on the floor-to-ceiling windows at his childhood best friend’s apartment to stare at the city spreading its wings from the sea to the mountains, and point at their favorite buildings. 

“Hey. I asked what your name was.” Ah, yes. The bully. _The Goliath_ . He was wearing the most rich shithead outfit imaginable, the kind that was equal parts annoying and unremarkable. It was probably the boat shoes. Sasuke couldn’t _stand_ boat shoes--they were landlocked for god’s sake. He was never fond of those who wore them, either. This guy looked like a Brad. No, worse: a _Bradford_.

He wanted to know Sasuke’s name, but when he said that, he meant Sasuke’s family name, of which Sasuke had none. This was what Sasuke was trying ever so patiently to explain, but something wasn’t clicking. 

“And I'm going to tell you, yet again, that _I don’t have one_.” Sasuke set down one of the bags he was carrying and slid his newly-printed student I.D. card out to flick it in Bradford’s face. “In case your reading comprehension is as poor as your hearing, there’s one name, asshole.”

“Then how the fuck did you get in here?” he asked, and snapped Sasuke’s card in half. The two pieces of now useless plastic were thrown to Sasuke’s shoes, and Bradford’s friends thought that was peak humor. Sasuke only sighed. A younger, angrier him might have snapped right then and there, but Sasuke was trying to do that less.

While _he_ knew he was under control, Sakura, his best friend, did not. As far as she knew, Bradford had just taken a bat to a bee’s nest. He felt her pull on his arm and heard her say “Sasuke, leave it. We’ll get you a new card.”

Sasuke didn’t respond to this, because he never did. She couldn’t talk him down, and in turn, he couldn’t talk _her_ down. In an instant, they’d fight tooth and nail for each other, but they’d never been particularly good at… not fighting tooth and nail altogether.

But they weren’t in Bitch anymore. They wouldn’t be saved by lack of proper law enforcement or teachers that would begrudgingly wipe their records clean if need be. This was an expensive college in an expensive city. It was full of expensive students nearly suffocating to death between the thighs of luxury. 

All of this was to say it would be stupid of him to start a fight. It was below him. Starting a fight, to be clear. If Bradford, however, wanted to swing first? Well, that’s just self-defense, wasn’t it? Perfectly legal and grown up.

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Sakura hissed, and Sasuke had always hated how she could read his mind. “It's our first day, Sasuke, _our first day._ ” That was exactly Sasuke’s point; he wanted to make a good impression. Sasuke sighed, then smiled.

“You want to know how the fuck I got in here. I got in here because I applied and they gave me a full-ride scholarship. I would ask how you did, but I can guess just fine. I wonder how much money it took to make up for your straight Fs and shitty personality, let alone that _face_. Brave of you to leave the house like that.”

Bradford didn’t like that. Sasuke could tell. Who would? He was stepping closer, towering over Sasuke, but Sasuke was breathing absolute fire. Sakura was begging him to shut up, but once Sasuke’s fuse was lit, all she could do was find cover. 

“Usually I wouldn’t be so mean to people, but you’re not really a person, you’re more of a tool your mom uses to guilt your dad into staying with her after he fucks his secretary yet again. I can see on your face that I’ve hit a nerve, so if _that_ pisses you off, you should think about how you look more like the mailman than your-“

Bradford swung back and slammed his fist into Sasuke’s face, and yes! There it was!

Sasuke liked to fight, he wasn’t going to deny that. There was little he held dear, therefore not easy to hit back at, and he enjoyed that about himself. However, as he’d gotten older, he channeled that energy into sports. Sasuke and Sakura had trained on their own and excelled at sports in school, which was part of the reason they’d scored scholarships to go to Konoha University.

Because he wasn’t a rough-and-tumble demon child anymore, and rather a trained fighter with enough medals to make his chin hit the floor, it wasn’t a question of winning the match, but rather how easy he should go on him. It was obvious that Bradford wasn’t any kind of opponent to Sasuke, so he should lay up. On the other hand, he’d probably given Sasuke a black eye…

Sasuke grabbed the back of Bradford’s neck in a tender embrace and slammed his head into Sasuke’s own. It hurt him more than Sasuke, and he used that lapse in attention to shove his knee into Bradford’s stomach. Sasuke was impressed when he made only a gurgle; that move had made more than one person throw up. It was easy, then, as Bradford buckled forward, to drag him forward by the back of his neck to the floor.

He could feel Sakura seething behind him, but he was more focused on the faces of everyone in the general vicinity. It was clear that Bradford wasn’t well-liked among his peers, but it was also clear that some of them had never seen a real fight before. Sasuke wasn’t doing this for the sake of entertainment, but he didn’t mind the stares. He didn’t want anyone to fuck with him or Sakura, after all. It’d be good if they could clear out most of the minor bosses on day one.

_“This isn’t real,”_ Sakura would always tell him, standing in front of the menu screen of a video game with her arms out. _“You know this is a fake, imaginary thing, right? When we hit people in real life, we don’t get points. We get arrested, Sasuke.”_

She was, officially, right...but it felt like a level up in his opinion. 

Still, it was important to note that Sakura was _officially_ right, as they were both being escorted to the Dean of Students’ office.

“You big stupid dumb _bitch_ ,” she growled at him. She’d all but thrown her duffel bag and backpack at Sasuke, who was now carrying everything. Sakura was just yelling at her pack animal at this point. Sasuke was just trekking along, unbothered.

It wasn’t for the same reason other students on this campus would be unconcerned; there was great significance to family names at this school, in no small part because one name could get you in or out of whatever you wanted. One could terrorize every other student they meet, but with Granny Moneybags on their side they’d be free to do so.

The only one that could even be considered kith and kin to Sasuke at that point was Kakashi, who he’d lived with since he was 13. Kakashi had little power compared to the billionaire parents of Konoha University; as far as he knew, the name Hatake wouldn’t get him anything in the real world.

Well, Bitchwood was as real as anywhere else, but of this world? Unlikely. His town felt so off the grid that visitors said being there was highly surreal, like seeing the Northern Lights or eating Swedish meatballs at Ikea. 

In that realm, the meatball realm, Kakashi _did_ have some sway. He got drunk and watched some ninja show with half the staff of Sasuke’s high school. More than once, Kakashi had convinced those teachers to turn a blind eye to the fact that Sasuke was occasionally evil incarnate, and even wipe his record clean. _“He’s just a kid going through puberty, you know?”_ Sasuke heard him say from down the hall at one point. _“Sometimes going through puberty means you hit things with a baseball bat.”_

No, Sasuke was unconcerned about the consequences because he couldn’t be bothered to _be_ concerned. With this, and with most things. 

_“There are some things that matter, so this isn’t a ‘get out of emotions’ free card”_ Kakashi had told him as he watched a bag of popcorn in the microwave. _“Though you’d love one of those. Anyway, some things matter, but so much shit doesn’t. If you can’t change it, who cares.”_ Sasuke was headed to the Dean of Student if he liked it or not, so there isn’t much point in being bothered.

It would be a mistake to think of Kakashi as his dad. An ideal father figure he was not; his proportions didn’t fit the frame. Too many porn magazines left on the living room coffee table and too few plates in the kitchen cabinets. Sasuke ate most meals out of a mug at Kakashi’s place, and then off a paper towel. He’d never seen Kakashi touch a sponge in his life. 

Still, Kakashi was one of the best cards he’d been dealt. When it came to guardians, legal or otherwise, Sasuke didn’t count the ones between his parent’s death and getting dumped on Kakashi’s doorstep. It was a six year period of being passed from one distant relative to the next, all of them hoping to gain access to his parent’s coveted wealth. As it turned out, those springing from his father's bloodline weren’t known for their patience or generosity; once they found out that it was impossible to con them, Sasuke was never in one place for more than a year. 

The only thing that had kept Sasuke any level of sane was his best friend at the time. A blonde idiot, who he had known since he could sit up and very much hated. Unfortunately, he’d liked him more than he hated him, and so he was Sasuke’s closest friend. Naruto had been everything the Uchiha family wasn’t, so for a while Sasuke could deal. But that was before he’d moved. Then it took Sasuke maybe two days to snap.

Itachi had catapulted from Sasuke’s life the second he’d turned 18, so Sasuke had taken the last train of the night into the city to see him. He made it past the guards purely through his undeniably Uchiha looks.

His first demand was that he wanted “Uchiha” wiped from his history, his records, anything that might link him to that greedy name. It was bad enough that he had the name running through his veins, he told Itachi, so the least he could do was stop writing it on his forehead in Sharpie. Itachi agreed. Then, he asked what Sasuke’s next wish was.

“Drop me off in the middle of fucking nowhere, and never come back.”

Which led to him being forsaken on Kakashi’s doorstep, who had been the friend of some dead Uchiha or something. Needless to say, Kakashi wasn’t thrilled, but Sasuke got the feeling a large sum of money had just been deposited in his bank account. Kakashi bulldozed Sasuke and his few belongings into the spare room, tossed him an inflatable mattress, and told him to get acquainted.

In a similar fashion, both he and Sakura were bulldozed into seats outside the Dean of Students’ office. Even just the waiting room was ostentatious. Everything was shiny and painted royal colors. Sasuke wouldn’t have blinked an eye at it before, but now, all he could see was price tags. The room could have paid off all of Sakura’s dad’s debt in an instant.

Sakura punched his arm and pointed up. Above them a chandelier floated most exquisitely. It was gold, with glass teardrops and pearls gently clinking below it. Sasuke looked at Sakura; her mouth was slightly open, eyes full of emeralds. There had been one similar to this in his parent’s bathroom when he was a child, but he did his best to feign wonder. 

He’d never told Sakura about his past; as far as she knew, his parents had lived and died a few towns over from Bitchwood. Kakashi was his uncle. He’d never had a last name from birth. That might as well be the truth; she’d never know different. They’d gawk together.

She whistled, and beckoned him closer. “Makes you wish you had a sledgehammer, doesn’t it?” Sasuke smiled.

“Excuse me.” They both looked up to see a slightly nervous woman holding… a small pig. Sasuke stared at it. He was vaguely aware of the woman saying something to them, but this pig was wearing a little red vest and a pearl necklace, just hanging out in the office space of a college people sold organs to attend. He made a mental note for later to online order a guillotine.

Sakura pulled on his arm. “Ignore the pig, Sasuke, she told us the Dean is ready to see us.” That was an interesting way to put it. Sasuke wasn’t under the impression anyone had ever been prepared for him by the time he arrived; any sense of security was more the calm before his storm. He cracked his knuckles and stood up.

To be truly confident in yourself, you also had to recognize skill in those around you; unfortunately, there was much to be recognized in Tsunade Senju. First, it was obvious; her biceps were bigger around than Sasuke's waist. She was huge, casting a substantial shadow over the two flimsy chairs waiting for them in front of her desk. 

Second, judging by the dates on the degrees and awards that crowded each other on the walls, she was at least late-40s if not mid-50s. Despite that, she looked like Kakashi might be a little too old for her. 

Third, it was clear that someone had given her a list of office rules and she’d eaten it. Her neckline was making a steep descent downwards. Bottles of hard liquor were squished between books on the shelves. Right, and the fucking pig, that was now snorting noisly in the arms of Tsunade’s assistant. 

Sasuke was still unconcerned, obviously. He was just slightly less unconcerned than he might have been previously.

“Shizune, thank you. You may go.” Shizune responded instantly to Tsunade’s steadfast tone, nodding quickly and leaving. The pig went with her, to Sasuke’s relief. Tsunade still hadn’t made eye contact with them yet; instead, she walked to a file cabinet and flipped through it for a minute. There was an overwhelming amount of paper, so that considered, she made quick work of finding Sasuke’s and Sakura’s files.

She slapped them down on the desk and her chair squeaked under her weight. Red fingernails flashed as she slid on her glasses. There was a long sigh, and then Tsunade flipped open their files simultaneously, holding one up in each hand, weighing the scales.

“So you’re telling me,” she began, dropping the files again and rubbing her temples, “that you two were on campus for a total of 45 minutes before you gave one of our biggest donor’s kid a concussion?”

They sat quietly and glanced at each other while Tsunade sat waiting. “Is that, like, a rhetorical question?” Sakura asked. “We haven’t told you anything, so-”

“Okay, then,” Tsunade snapped, “why don’t _you_ tell _me_ what happened?”

“We were on campus for a total of 45 minutes before we gave one of your biggest donor’s kid a concussion.”

He’d never seen murder quite so intense in a woman’s eyes.

“Can I ask why this happened?”

If Sasuke ate a gummy bear vitamin for every time he’d been asked that, he’d overdose.

When Sasuke had reached his junior year of high school, he and Sakura had been the top of their class. They were stellar in both academics and sports; a force to be reckoned with in every respect. Well, all high school respects. Because of this, they were given a special opportunity; they got to go to Westridge High School in the big city, an hour and a half away.

The first few months, he had many staff members asking him “why it happened.” As it turned out, the “big city” high schools had no tolerance for anything fun. The principal didn’t like so many things about them that it seemed excessive. He didn’t like them eating hot Cheetos with chopsticks in the middle of class. He didn’t like them pulling into the parking lot, windows down with music blasting. More than anything, he hated Sakura’s skateboard, especially when she rode it down the halls after school. He wanted to know _why_ it happened. It happened for the same reason that they considered stop signs suggestions.

It didn’t take long for Sasuke to realize he had to start fitting into the cookie cutter before he lost a limb. Sakura had already roped him into a promise; they were going to Konoha University after high school. They both had the grades and extracurriculars, plus sympathy for having dead moms, so as long as their track record stayed relatively clean, they’d find a way. KU was their way out.

From then onward, from the morning bell to the afternoon bell at Westridge, he was a new man. _Westridge Sasuke._ Though, there were rumors about him, still. He was an outsider. People said he had a stick-and-poke tattoo of a knife on his ankle. People said he brought a water bottle of vodka to fourth period. People said he tried to seduce their star football star. 

These were largely incorrect, obviously. The knife tattoo just above his hip bone, not his ankle. That bottle had been full of tequila, not vodka. The rumor about the football star was especially hurtful; Sasuke hadn’t _tried_ to fuck him, he’d succeded. Multiple times.

Tsunade was waiting. Sakura explained what had happened. That was probably for the best at the moment. While Sasuke could slither out of most things, Tsunade was a terrifying presence; it was clear that she didn’t trust Sasuke from the moment he sat down. Sasuke wondered how bad his black eye looked; he wouldn’t be much help to Sakura in seeming dignified if he was a raccoon.

“Sasuke is very sorry for what he did,” Sakura said, and nudged Sasuke’s leg. He nodded convincingly. “He did rile up, um, the guy. However, he was both verbally accosted and physically injured first. Sasuke only hit him back in self-defense.”

“You call him ‘the guy.’ Do you not know him?”

“Um, we didn’t catch his first name.” _Bradford_ , Sasuke thought absently.

“I don’t know his first name either! I do, however, know his grandfather. Does the word ‘Kakuzu’ mean anything to you?”

Sakura and Sasuke looked at each other, trying to have some kind of psychic conversation that wasn’t going well. “How many guesses do we get?”

“I asked if it meant anything to you, not to fucking guess!” she nearly shouted. “Kakuzu! He practically owns Konoha! You could have messed with any of the big families. The Hyuugas, the Yamanakas? Hell, even the Uchihas you could have wiggled away from, but Kakuzu? No way. Even his most distant relatives have enough money to buy everything you’ll ever purchase every day for the next 50 years. Additionally,” she said, talking over the start of Sakura’s sentence, “he’s easy to offend.”

Sasuke felt slightly rattled; he hadn’t heard his abandoned, bloodstained name for years. Still, he rose from his seat. “Dean Senju,” he began, figuring overly polite was the way to go, “if it’s anyone's fault here, it’s mine. Can Sakura leave?”

Tsunade looked down at their files. “Haruno, and…” She squinted, and flipped through some papers. “Sasuke. No family name?”

“I was born in a small town, there was an error on my birth certificate, my parents died before they bothered to fix it, and I’m not much inclined to at this point.” The lie rolled off his tongue easily, practised as it was.

“What were your parents’ names, then?”

“I know what you’re asking, and I’m telling you: I’m no one from nowhere. Sakura and I got into this school through hard work and sacrifice. We have full-ride scholarships. We’ve never lived in a city like this, and we don’t fit in. But _we_ are the kind of people Konoha should be investing in.” Sasuke forced as much passion into his words as he could muster. It’d help if he could yank a heartstring or two.

Tsunade motioned for him to sit. “Are you done?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a great little speech, really moving, but it’s not as easy as that.” She must have seen how their faces instantly went blank as she leaned forward. Her expression relaxed and her shirt hung lower than ever. “Look, kid, you’re right. You guys _should_ be here. Based on your records, your grades are immaculate. To you, college might be more than just a four year party that ends with a degree you bought instead of earned.

“To be honest with you two, I became Dean of Students because I got sick of the trust-fund shitheads that filtered in after I graduated. God, I need a drink.” She looked longingly at the bottles on her shelf, and leaned back in her chair. “So, I’m telling you this because I care; I can’t go against Kakuzu. As far as he’s concerned, you’ve insulted him, and that doesn’t go without punishment.”

“Sakura didn’t do anything.”

Tsunade shrugged. “Yeah, he just doesn’t really like women.” Sasuke could feel a fuse get lit beside him, and he grabbed his friend’s wrist in an attempt to stamp it out. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Expulsion is the clear option here.” The word echoed in Sasuke’s ears. _Expulsion._ He felt Sakura stiffen under his hand; his grip only tightened.

“No.”

Tsunade blinked at him. “No? What about anything I just said made you think that’s an option?”

“I said no,” Sasuke repeated, voice cool. “We’re not getting expelled. We are staying here. We’ll take any punishment, we’ll do anything.”

Tsunade was rubbing her temples. “I just said…” Her voice trailed off slowly, and then her gaze was sharp. “You said anything? _Anything?_ ”

When Sasuke was ten he’d accidentally eaten the silica gel packet at the bottom of a bag of chips while dumping them into his mouth, and the deep unease he’d felt directly afterwards was revisiting him now. Every part of him was telling him not to take up whatever offer was coming, but he shook it off. Sasuke nodded. “Anything.”

Tsunade’s eyes slid to Sakura, who nodded nervously. She opened their files once again, but this time adjusted her glasses and truly read them.

“So you two have done… every sport where you’re allowed to fight someone and then some. Not only that, you’ve excelled. Sakura, you were the pitcher on the Westridge baseball team. Carried them to Nationals, it looks like. Sasuke, you are very, _very_ decorated in the world of martial arts. Your athletic accomplishments fill up a full page of your application, in, what is that?”

“10 point font.”

“10 point font. How excessive. As previously stated, test scores that nearly broke the scoring system all together. Letters of recommendation from what seems to be the whole staff of your high school.” _All Kakashi’s doing, bless him._ “Your admission essays inspire an equal amount of pity about your mutually shitty childhoods and hope for your future, like a hamster in a tiny wheelchair.”

“High praise.”

“I’m impressed, I’m genuinely impressed with both of you, but my question now is about your families. Both of your mothers have passed away, I see. Anyone else?”

“My dad also died,” Sasuke said, “but it wasn’t as traumatizing.”

“Who do you live with now?”

“My shitty uncle.”

“Any partners? Friends?”

“Only Sakura.” 

Tsunade nodded, then turned to Sakura. “You?”

“I have my dad and my stepmom, and my little sister. Their kid, not my mom’s.”

“Do they care about you? Even remotely?”

Sakura faltered at this. “I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

Tsunade sighed. “I’m asking if you ever went missing, would anyone come looking, or could it be solved with lies and money?”

What an ugly question to ask. Sasuke didn’t think Kakashi wouldn’t care if Sasuke suddenly left; he would be heartbroken. But he wouldn’t go looking for answers beyond whatever lie the university could feed him. Sakura answered for both of them. “No. No one would look for us.”

“Excellent,” Tsunade said. That was not a response one would usually expect from that, but Tsunade was in no way a usual woman. She opened a desk drawer, rifling through it. “In that case, I have a job proposal for you. To be clear, if you don’t take me up on it, your ass is done. So it’s more of an ultimatum.”

“Thank you for the distinction.”

She slapped a piece of paper onto the table, and the friends peered over to look at it. It was a map of campus, manifold buildings of all shapes sprawled across it. They were all organized around the large Quad in the center, but besides that, they took on a life of their own. That had been one of the things that drew them to KU; it was brand new terrain, a forest to hack through, a place unknown and far away from Bitchwood.

“Here.” Tsunade pulled the cap off a red pen with a squeak and circled a square at the far northwest corner. It was just a little square, with a tiny label that read Konoha Historic. “It’s an old house on the edge of campus. Three stories. Well, above ground. Eight bedrooms, again, above ground. All the utilities still work, just requires a little upkeep.”

Sasuke looked at the red circle. “Rewinding back to where we’re putting our lives on the line.”

“I want you two to live there and be RAs to the residents. They are… Eccentric. They are struggling through college life and need help in managing themselves. I don’t want them to be punished for things out of their control, and rumors will start spreading soon if… No matter.” 

She put the cap back on her pen. “You’d be paid, much more than you would at any other job you could get. In return for your housing and salary, I expect perfect discretion. These are the kids of _big_ families. I like you, I do, and I’d hate to see you disposed of,” she said, specifically to Sakura and not to Sasuke.

“Well, gee, we’d hate that, too,” Sakura said, and looked at Sasuke. She was asking if they were really doing this, if they were going to bite the bullet at risk of getting shot in the mouth. He nodded. They were. There was nothing in Bitch left for them, and Sasuke had yet to meet their match when they fought side by side. They’d be fine. No more and no less.

He told Tsunade they’d do it, and she didn’t really smile. It was half that, and half wince. “I almost hoped you’d say no, but now that it’s too late, I’m relieved. Take those hellions off my hands, I’m begging you.” She folded up the map and handed it to Sakura. “Follow these directions to the house. There’s only one room for the both of you, but you are both so clearly gay that I didn’t figure it would matter much. Off you pop.”

Sakura asked before they left what they should expect, and Tsunade just laughed, which was reassuring and not ominous whatsoever. Sasuke was still carrying both their luggage, as it was still his fault they were in this to begin with.

“It was a dick move to fight that guy. I shouldn’t have done it.” There were two things Sasuke hadn’t said in many years: _sorry_ and _please_. Still, this situation deserved as much of an apology and request for forgiveness that he was capable of.

Sakura exhaled and started down the flight of stairs leading away from the office in front of her. “It was a dick move, but when I think about it, it probably would have happened eventually. Neither of us have much tolerance for bullies born sucking a silver spoon,” she admitted, “and we applied to a school located squarely in a silverware drawer.” 

They didn’t run into anyone who was at the scene of the crime, or if they did, no one stepped forward with questions or complaints. There wasn’t anyone interested in interacting with them, but that didn’t stop heads from turning as they passed. Even without giving anyone a concussion, Sasuke and Sakura didn’t look like they belonged.

Sakura’s hair was light pink, and it had been ever since Sasuke had known her. She’d broken her nose at age ten and had to wear a bandage over the bridge for a week or so. Eight years later, she hadn’t stopped. As for Sasuke: he wore black. Everything black, and every texture, as long as it was tight and intimidating. _“Halloween is months away,”_ Sakura had said a few weeks ago as he exited a changing room, “ _you don’t have to dress like a slutty vampire yet.”_

Sasuke was clearly a black spot in their vision. No one knew what family they came from; most made it readily noticeable. He was glad he’d never gotten too close to any of these idiots back in high school, or he might feel some level of-

Someone passed him wearing a jacket that made him nearly snap his neck. He turned quickly at the flash of bright red he’d seen, at the circle sewn on its back. It took no more than a moment to recognize the pattern was of crossed swords, not a whirlpool. He bit back disappointment that shouldn’t be bubbling up.

That was another fun fact about true confidence; one has to recognize both the strength of others and the weakness within themselves. Sakura gave him a strange look, and he shook his head, continuing onward. 

Sasuke would maintain that he never got _too_ close, never fell off the edge, but it wasn’t exactly true that he hadn’t been close at all.

The time he’d slept with Naruto, it was just to prove that he could. When he slammed his lunch tray down at the table only they sat at and told Sakura his mission, she choked so hard milk came out of her nose. _“Naruto? The center midfielder? The homecoming king? Him?”_ Sasuke nodded, and Sakura shook her head. “ _He’s knee deep in pussy, Sas, and straight until proven otherwise.”_

Well, yeah. That was the whole fucking point.

Naruto had been his childhood best friend, yes, but things had changed since then. Noticeably, Naruto had remained wealthy and climbed the social food chain while Sasuke was perfectly content working at the Bitchwood corner store and ignoring the chain all together.

Underneath that, however, was the insufferable tension from the moment they’d recognized each other. Sasuke still hated Naruto just a little bit, but at 17, that only made it hotter. Sasuke didn’t have a good explanation for their attraction, but Naruto got tongue-tied when Sasuke so much as glanced at him, and Sasuke made social media accounts just to stalk Naruto’s.

He could remember picking his clothes up off the bedroom floor and pulling them on. He found his keys and started to leave before Naruto’s voice had stopped him. “Come on, you’re not going out in this weather without a coat! You’ll get a cold.” He pulled out that jacket, the one he wore every single day with his crest on the back, and wrapped it around Sasuke’s shoulders. “Be careful with it, okay? It means a lot to me.”

It was unfortunate, but not all rich kids were horrible. Some were tolerable. Eventually, Naruto had graduated a year before Sasuke and left for college. Sasuke didn’t think much about him anymore, but he remembered wearing that jacket in the rain.

“Are you even listening to me? Christ, Sasuke, sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a mannequin.”

“Repeat it.”

Sakura groaned. “Do you have any guesses about what we’re up against here? It’s probably just spoiled rich kids who never aged past six and can’t do laundry?”

“Do you want me to make you feel better?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow, you’re right, that’s probably what it is.”

She hit him with the map.

The other note Tsunade had added was that it’s easy to get lost, but they’d know they were at the right place when they felt a sense of impending doom and absolute despair. Staring up at the house before them, Sasuke knew what she meant. 

It didn’t look much different than other houses on campus, outside of being slightly older, but there was something evil about it. Traveling up the walkway felt like being on a conveyor belt that dropped off into a meat grinder. Sakura squeezed his arm to the point of pain, quietly whispering reassurance to herself. Where other houses had their names on neat signs with curly fonts, Konoha Historic had its name spray painted on its front in red, over the door and windows.

“This is the part in video games,” Sakura said, “where the music gets all spooky and you know there’s a monster in the next room.”

“I thought real life wasn’t like video games. I specifically remember you saying that.” Her fingernails dug into him.

The porch creaked under his feet with such fervor her thought it might collapse. There was a sticky note above the doorbell that read “don’t ring, Kiba will shit himself.” Sasuke was tempted to hit it anyway, just to be a bastard, but he could hear someone yelling with a hoarse voice behind the door. No words to make out, but someone was swinging mad, and Sasuke had been punched enough for the day.

“Ready?” Sakura asked, and he knocked on the door.

He didn’t make it to the third rap before the door was flung open to reveal the most conventionally pretty woman he’d ever seen in his life. Blonde hair cascaded down from her high ponytail, and her eyes were an icy baby blue. She hadn’t even spoken and Sasuke already knew she’d been a horse girl in middle school.

Her smile was positively blinding. Sasuke had never been impressed by anything straight and white, and teeth were no exception. It was something the rich obsessed over, like a “perfect” smile made them better than anyone else. It just made them annoying right off the bat.

“Hey! We are so excited to have you guys over! I’m Ino,” she said brightly. Sasuke was tempted to tell her they were standing in the sagging porch of Abbadon, not a fucking pep rally, but again, tact was key here. “Come in, come in.”

Sasuke lugged their things in, dumping them on the floor with a loud thud and rubbing his shoulder. “I didn’t know you packed a bag of bricks,” he whispered.

“Only the ones I really needed.”

They were standing just inside the door now, and Ino closed it behind them. “Take off your shoes! Anywhere is fine.” It was apparent that anything was fine, based on the sizable layer of shoes covering the entire floor of the entryway. There was every kind and every color, but all terribly expensive. Sasuke didn’t give a shit about shoes, but he knew red bottoms when he saw them.

She ushered them through double doors into the next room. If he was going to give the house any credit, it would be that it was consistently unsettling.

The design was fairly normal. The Konoha Historic was large but not sprawling. They were standing in an open room, those ones rich people have for no reason. Beyond was another room, full of furniture, and behind that a staircase that began as one and then split, taking a turn in the opposite direction to lead to the second floor. There were closed doors and hallways, and what seemed to be a kitchen leading off the far corner of the room.

That was fine. What was less fine was the deep scratches and dark stains that covered the walls. The carpet must have been expensive at one point, but it had been spot cleaned so many times it was mostly discolored and threadbare. The light fixtures hanging from the ceiling had somehow been spared and jewels dangled below them, but the bulbs flickered. 

Sakura pointed at the wall beside her. There was a portrait of a man that was actually fairly decent, especially considering it’d been drawn with blood. “That’s horrible,” Sakura said quietly.

Ino tilted her head at it. “Do you think so? I think he’s made a lot of progress.”

“I’m talking about the blood, Ino. I’m talking about how it was drawn in blood.”

Ino put her face in her hands. The sunny attitude dropped along with an octave of her voice. “Fuck. Okay. Lady Tsunade called to tell me you were coming, but I can see that she didn’t tell you anything about the Konoha Historic. I don’t know where to start…” She let out a long sigh and then clapped her hands with a smile much weaker than before. “So! We-”

Ino was cut off as a boy shot out from the kitchen, vaulted over a couch and sat down ten feet away from them in front of an outlet. He was wearing a leather jacket and basketball shorts, nothing more. He had a dark red birthmark on either cheek. He didn’t even notice them, as he was too busy setting up a blender that he’d carried with him.

“Kiba,” Ino began, and her voice was already strained. So, this was Kiba of the doorbell. “What are you doing? I said we had guests coming, and you’re… What is in that?” She stomped over. “Eggs, apples, fruit snacks still in the package. Is that raw meat? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Chill, Ino,” Kiba said in response, fumbling with the cord, and then looked up. “Hey, guys, help me out on this. Almost everything I put in hasn’t gone bad and is edible. It’s going to be fun, right?”

“No, it’s going to be me taking you to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped. Again!” Ino’s voice was rising to a pitch that made Sasuke think she was probably who they’d heard yelling through the door. “Don’t make me confiscate the blender. Just get whoever is here and awake to come to the living room.”

Kiba dropped the blender, its contents spilling onto the floor, and let out a howl. There was no other word for the sound he made. The imitation was immaculate. It echoed through the room and up the stairs. He then jumped and slammed his feet down onto the floorboard so hard Sasuke thought he’d fall beneath them.

“Is there not a better way to get us to come downstairs?” someone called down the stairs. A boy with a ponytail and tired eyes stepped into view, followed by a larger boy with a swirl pattern on his cheeks. “Some of us were sleeping.”

A short girl with two lopsided buns jumped on the bannister, sliding past them and then nearly falling off as she coughed violently. She gripped the railing with one hand while the other covered her nose. “Fuck, Shikamaru, that’s the worst strain yet. What’d the label say, IBS firecracker?”

“Lavender Breeze.”

A door to the right opened and an anxious looking girl stepped out, hiding behind her long dark hair, followed by an almost identical boy with a black blindfold over his eyes. “This had better be important,” the boy said, voice flat. “I think everyone is busy getting ready for the school year.”

Yet another door flung open with a bang, revealing a bug-eyed boy with a bowl cut in a green tracksuit. He was breathing heavily and his hair was wet but he held up a thumb. “The instant I heard Kiba’s alert, I got ready to join the group. I apologize for my appearance!” he said, and then marched right up to Sakura like he knew her. “I’m Lee, pleased to meet you!” He stuck his hand right out, but Sakura knew better than to take it.

The group was closing in on Sakura and Sasuke. Ino, Kiba, Lee, the boy called Shikamaru, the girl with buns, the spiral boy and the pale twins. They stood in a semi-circle, staring at them with varying levels of interest. Shikamaru didn’t seem particularly bothered, but the anxious girl was looking at them like they were a major event in whatever story she was the main character of. 

“Introductions!” Ino said suddenly. “This is Sakura and Sasuke. Everyone say hi.” A lackluster response followed. “You’ve met Kiba, unfortunately. The one who looks like a Mii avatar, Lee, you’ve just met. The guy that smells like weed is Shikamaru, and the guy that smells like pumpkin Febreeze is Choji. The girl hiding behind her hair is Hinata, our fainting goat, and Neji is her shepherd. Tenten is the one with a hole in both armpits of her shirt. Well, I guess you can’t see that, but it’s still there.”

“Thank you for a kind and loving introduction you gave us,” Tenten said flatly. “Besides that, are these the guys? Our RAs?” Ino nodded, and Tenten sighed in relief. “Finally! I thought I’d be hauling around cheese for the rest of the year.”

“Whoa, we’re RAs, not drug dealers.”

“No, cheese like _cheese_. Mostly cheese wheels, usually parmesan. It’s just a phase I’m going through right now. At least it’s not fish tanks anymore, right?”

This was anything but right. “Somebody needs to tell us what is going on. This house looks like the scene of every crime imaginable, and meeting the people who live in it hasn’t made me feel any better. I’m all fucking ears.”

“...Who wants to explain?” Ino asked, though it seemed she knew it was going to be her.

“I can!” Choji said cheerfully. There was the loud sound of velcro ripping, and then giant blue wings unfurled from his back. They knocked over Shikamaru and Tenten as they filled the space of the living room, wall to wall.

Sakura shrieked, and Sasuke's hands rose in defense. He felt adrenaline burst through him, but what use was it to him now? How do you duel a man with a 30 foot wingspan? He hadn’t been trained to fight _Mothra_.

“Pretty cool, right?” said Choji, holding out his arms. The wings were light blue with black around the edges like a butterfly’s, and they flapped gently. The color made the red of his hair and face markings even more so. “It’s been a while since I’ve had them out.”

“Yeah, for a reason,” Shikamaru grumbled, dusting himself off.

Sakura grabbed the front of Sasuke’s shirt and yanked him forward so their faces were inches apart. “This isn’t happening, Sas. This isn’t real. This is like the time we drank absinthe and watched Monster House and thought the fridge was listening to our conversation.”

“Monster house isn’t far off, unfortunately,” Neji said, and when they both looked up, he let out a humorless laugh. “What do you think you’re standing in?”

A house full of monsters.

Sasuke looked at all the people gathered around him. “It’s all of you, then,” he said. Each and every one of them nodded. He glanced at Choji’s wings and then rubbed his eyes. “No one talk for a minute. Just. Shut up.”

Sasuke thought about the fact that monsters exist and his reality had just been utterly decimated. 

He opened his eyes, turned to Sakura, and she nodded. “Okay, we’re fine. All of you, state what brand of creepy you are. Let’s just get everything out on the table.”

Shikamaru yawned and reached up to his ponytail, pulling the tie out of it and letting his umber hair fall around his face. He flattened it to his head and felt around for a moment. “I was supposed to sand them last week, but forgot.” He pointed, and sure enough, two little nubbins poked up from his head. “Antlers, or so I assume. I never let them grow long enough to find out.”

“So, you’re like a deer, then? Is that technically a monster?”

“I was cursed by a forest spirit when I was a kid,” Shikamaru sighed, pulling his hair back up. “My dad’s company bulldozed their sacred forest to build a toilet paper factory, so in retaliation, they cosmically fucked me. I would have been fine, but now Fern Gully triggers me and I can’t get laid.”

“I don’t know if that last one is the curse’s fault, bud,” said Kiba, slapping his shoulder, “it might just be you.”

“A forest spirit…” Sakura breathed, but Shikamaru just picked the sleep out of his eye.

“Don’t look so impressed. All they managed to do was make me grow moss in weird places and eventually lost to an excavator.”

“I’m a butterfly!” Choji cut in. He had a large figure, but those wings minimized even him.

“They _know_ , Choji.”

“I was just born with them, no one knows why. My mom just took a lot of weird vitamins and supplements when she was pregnant with me. I’m proud of them, but they’ve gotten a little big.” He folded his shimmering wings tightly behind him and motioned to Shikamaru, who refastened the velcro on his shirt. “I’m in complete control of them, but if anyone outside of this house were to see them, I’d be disowned and spend the rest of my life in the Himalayas.”

Sakura nodded, and then turned to Ino. “You.”

“I’m not really a _monster_ , per se, so I wouldn’t group myself in with these-”

“What’s wrong with you, though, because you wouldn’t be here if you were normal.”

“I’m _gifted_ ,” Ino finally let out. “I have special powers I was given from birth, but...” Sakura moved her finger in a circle, telling her to hurry it up. “...I can’t control it.” 

Her head went to her hands again, fingers ruining her perfectly placed blonde hair. “I’m able to leave my body and possess people. Neat, right? But I don’t have much say over when or where it happens. One moment I’m happily taking my notes, then I look up at the professor, and suddenly _I’m_ teaching the class. Besides that, it leaves my body knocked out cold and completely unattended. It’s a mess.” She looked back up at them, with a hand clenching the purple fabric of her shirt and pleading eyes. “I’ll only say this once, so savor it. I need help.”

Sasuke and Sakura just looked back at her. They had no idea what to say. How were they, two humans who found out about monsters and mysterious powers beyond their control roughly three minutes ago, supposed to do anything at all?

Tenten waved in front of their faces to steal their attention. “Hi. Hey. I’m similar to Ino, but for me, things just manifest in my hands. I can hold off my power until I get home, but once I do, any number of random objects appear all over me. It’s been mostly cheese wheels of late, as I mentioned before. You wouldn’t believe what shows up, it’s awful. I’ve gotten several small pets that usually don’t survive the trip, and-”

“You got those sick Heelys that one time, though, the ones that lit up.” Kiba interjected while scraping the contents of the blender off the floor. “Don’t forget that.”

“That’s true. My power _does_ have its perks.”

“Kiba is a dog man,” Ino said, walking over and hooking her finger around the corner of his mouth. When she pulled it back, a row of sharp jagged teeth greeted them. She brushed his hair back, revealing flaps of skin that appeared to be cropped off. “His tail was lopped off when he was born,” she said, “and he grows fur, but he either shaves or scratches it off. His family has been like this for generations, and no one knows why. Right, Kiba?”

Kiba nodded. “Yeah, sounds about right.” He looked up at Sakura and Sasuke and waved. “Nice to meet you. Can I go?”

“No. Give me the blender.”

“We haven’t heard from you yet,” Sasuke said, turning to Lee. “Care to share with the class?”

Lee opened his mouth and then closed it. He looked like he was thinking hard. “I’m a jack of all trades.”

“He means we don’t know what’s wrong with him. Sometimes it’s wings, sometimes it’s a tail. He’s a fucking Animorph, basically, but you never know which volume is next. He was found abandoned in the woods, if that’s a shocker to you. Some people think he might be a minor god, but when he’s under this roof, he’s just another 22 year old boy who tests the limits of expiration dates and crushes my Roomba.”

“I'd hate to waste food, and I have already apologized for that,” Lee said, looking hurt, and then brightened. “Wait! I’ll show you my last transformation! It was truly amazing.” He took off running up the stairs, so quickly that he became a blur.

“He’s also not allowed to do sports. For obvious reasons.”

The last were the twins, who still looked fairly normal. Hinata’s eyes twitched nervously, the pupil and iris so light they were almost indiscernible from the white. Neji sighed and reached up to untie his blindfold. Beneath were two empty sockets, red rimmed but descending into pitch blackness. It was hard to look away from; that was as close to true nothingness Sasuke had ever seen. “Hand them over, Hinata,” he said, holding out his hands. “I want to see these idiots for myself.”

Hinata nodded, and reached for her face. Sasuke and Sakura watched in complete horror as she plucked her wan eyes out of their sockets with a wet pop and passed them to Neji, who slid them into his own. They twisted around, recalibrating, then locked on Sasuke.

“Huh. Thought he’d be shorter.”

Uncalled for.

“Why?” Sakura’s voice was strained. “Pray tell, _why_ would you make me watch that?”

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said quietly. “The Hyuuga’s are a family of fates. We are born with only one eye, so that we can see the real world and read the future at the same time. Neji’s prophetic messages come rarely, but in full verse or a riddle. Mine are random groups of seemingly unrelated words that will usually only make sense after the event already happens.”

“She came out with both eyes. Neji had a blindfold. Why’s that.”

They were both quiet, and Ino shook her head. “You haven’t unlocked their backstory yet.”

“Fine. Fine!” Sakura said, throwing up her hands. “Is that it? Are you done?”

“No. There’s two basement residents, but they won’t come out until this evening. One of them is a vampire, he drew that portrait you were admiring earlier. The other is…” Ino trailed off and then laughed nervously. “Well, you’ll meet him. After that, there’s-” Above them in the distance, Sasuke heard a door slam so loudly that it might have fallen from its hinges. Ino groaned. “ _Him_.”

The footsteps were heavy, but there weren’t nearly as many as there should have been. A huge figure came shooting down the stairs so quickly he hit the opposite wall, and then rode the bannister the rest of the way down. He leaped over the couch, and landed out of breath, hands on his knees.

Then he looked up, and Sasuke’s heart skipped. His eyes were true blue, blazing like the hottest part of a flame, and everything else about him was hot, too. He had dimples and a wide smile, shining brightly, and even under the ugliest shirt Sasuke had ever seen, Sasuke could tell he… Wait. No. He knew that body.

“Sasuke,” he said, and Sasuke would have rather eaten whatever was in Kiba’s blender than hear that voice saying his name in the middle of the Konoha Historic.

Because he would take a knife to the stomach before being caught in a lie by her, whatever story Sasuke told Sakura about his life, he loosely adopted as truth. That’s what he had told her about the most popular boy in school. He’d gone to his house, they’d done the deed, Sasuke had gotten his jacket and then returned it to him at school. Yes. That’s what he told Sakura.

The truth was that he’d run out of fingers, toes and limbs before he could count the number of times he’d fucked Naruto. 

The one he’d revealed to Sakura was the first time, sure, and Sasuke hadn’t planned to go past that. Both he and Naruto had advanced physics in 6th period, however, and got matched up for an ongoing project. Year-long, actually. Sasuke had studied at Naruto’s house, they held off a total of 3 minutes and 27 seconds. They made no progress on the project and he got wicked rug burns, but he couldn’t say it wasn’t worth it.

The third time wasn’t one of Sasuke’s finest moments. Their respective after-school practices got out at the same time and it was pouring rain. Naruto had offered Sasuke a ride. If there was one thing he could appreciate about rich kids, it was their cars. Wide seats and tinted windows.

The fourth and the fifth had their excuses, but after that, Sasuke didn’t have an explanation. They just couldn’t be normal around each other, and if they were left alone together, it only got worse. It didn’t help that Naruto was good in bed. He did things that made Sasuke’s knees go weak just thinking about. 

And then, Naruto had graduated a year before him, and Sasuke had ghosted the shit out of him. He didn’t want a long distance relationship, and he didn’t want to talk about feelings. He definitely didn’t want to think about the perfect cheerleader college girlfriend Naruto was going to get and all the mind-numbingly boring missionary sex they’d be having.

He hadn’t spoken to Naruto in over a year, and fully expected never to see him again. How had it slipped his mind that Naruto was going to KU? He wanted to stop staring, to say something, but he was short circuiting.

“Sorry for being late, I was sleeping. I knew it was you, though, ” Naruto said brightly. “I could smell you from upstairs.”

“You could _smell_ me.” 

“Yeah,” he said, like it was fine and not weird. “That’s what woke me up.”

It was painfully silent, Sasuke staring, Naruto still smiling, and everyone else just watching this plot twist play out. Finally, Kiba spoke up. “Wait, _that_ Sasuke? Isn’t that the guy you had to drive to urgent care because you literally blew his back out?”

For the second time in the last ten minutes, Sasuke questioned his reality. The monsters, okay, he could work with that, but he SPECIFICALLY remembered telling Naruto that if he ever told anyone about ANY sex related injury Sasuke had gotten, he would kill Naruto and then himself. Everyone was looking at him expectantly.

He could deny it. He could say it was a different Sasuke, that he’d never met Naruto in his life. Or he had met Naruto, but had a perfectly healthy back, so Naruto was misremembering-

“I didn’t _blow his back out_ , it was a lumbar herniated disc,” Naruto said reproachfully, and Sasuke died. “He had to use heat pads and prescription painkillers for weeks, so it’s not really something to joke about.”

Sakura gasped. “I always wondered where you got that fucking Vicodin! You didn’t tell me,” she said loudly, and then quieter: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

She looked hurt, but Sasuke just bumped her arm and shook his head minutely, meaning they’d talk about it later. He and Sakura were a close-knit family, and they helped keep each other's skeletons in the closet where they belonged. Any fighting they did was done behind closed doors; they had to show a unified front.

At the moment, there was a bigger fish to fry. A much, much bigger fish. Naruto had straightened up and his head was closer to the ceiling than Sasuke previously remembered. His shoulders were broader, too, and his shoe size substantially higher. “Why,” he asked, “are you so damn tall?”

Naruto laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh, I guess this happened after I left high school. I’m kind of a late bloomer.”

“Yeah, no fucking shit.” Naruto was easily eight inches taller than Sasuke now. Sasuke could feel his face heat up and hoped it didn’t show.

“This is Naruto, though I’m getting the impression you know that. He’s the resident werewolf. Hence the smelling thing.”

“ _Werefox_ ,” Naruto corrected her, but Sasuke just stared at Ino. A were _fox_ ? A were- _anything_? Last time he checked, Naruto was human for all intents and purposes. A bumbling idiot, at that. Not a monster.

“Did you guys date or something?” Tenten asked, and Sasuke shook his head absentmindedly.

“We did a group project together.” He honestly didn’t have anything else to say beyond that. “So, let me get this straight. We’ve got a couple of Goosebumps characters, a dog-man, a man-dog and whatever Lee is.” Naruto opened his mouth, but Sasuke waved him away. “Man- _fox_. I know. Just tell us why you need an RA. We are communally fucked up, monster or otherwise. Just do drugs or dye your hair like everyone else.”

“Look,” Ino began, “some of us are fine. Choji can handle himself. Shikamaru just needs reminders to take his medication and sand his antlers. Hinata and Neji are good, for the most part.

“The rest of us? What is Tenten supposed to do on her own? She doesn’t know what to do with everything that manifests. Sometimes things are so heavy they pin down her hands and arms.” Sasuke looked at Tenten’s hands; they were covered in bandages and bruises. She quickly hid them behind her back. 

“Our vampire in the basement has no way to get food on his own, and it’s not like we all have time in our day to drain someone from the anime club. Kiba can get incredibly impulsive and will try to eat just about anything. I wasn’t kidding about getting his stomach pumped. That’s a regular occurrence. Lee is completely unpredictable, he-”

“Found it!” The man himself came leaping down the stairs and shoved a cardboard box into Sakura’s hands. Inside it were a collection of tiny purple tentacles. “These were my fingers! We cut them off, but they kept growing back.”

Kiba peered into the box. “Do you guys think it’d feel good to jack off with those or would it be too weird?”

“I wouldn’t know!” said Lee cheerfully. “I reject temptations of the flesh!”

“Shut _up_ ,” Ino said, pushing them aside. “Then, there’s me, the gifted one.” They rolled their eyes. “I’ll be in your care, Sakura.”

“Me? Why?”

“I can’t just be possessing anyone, can I? Leaving my body unattended, too, is unacceptable. So, you will be my vessel! When I feel a possession coming on during class, I’ll just focus on you. I can just pretend I have fainting spells, but really, I’m in here,” she tapped Sakura’s forehead, “with you.”

“I don’t like that,” Sakura said instantly. “That’s weird, I don’t like it.”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re the RA.”

“I’m your resident _assistant_ , not your resident peon.”

“What’s your last name?”

“Haruno.”

“Sounds pretty peon-y to me,” Ino said in return, and then clasped her hands together, turning to Sasuke. “Don’t worry, you get an extra special job, too. Our mutual friend Naruto here is a disaster. A danger to himself, to others and to any interior decorating I’ve ever tried to do in this house. He’s the reason why we can’t have nice things.”

“I already said I was sorry about the wallpaper!” Naruto said, moving closer. He did look genuinely sorry. “And the lamps. And the rug. And all the inspirational quote signs.”

“They said ‘ _be your best self_ ’ and ‘ _do things with passion or not at all_!” she hissed at him. “Now there’s _no_ motivation in this house. Everyone is empty and sad. I hope you’re fucking happy.”

“I would argue that Naruto very passionately destroyed your inspirational quotes,” said Shikamaru.

“What exactly did he do?” Sasuke asked.

Hinata piped up. “He… sped up the renovation of our living room.”

“What she’s trying to say is he smashed through the wall like the damn Kool-Aid Man and clawed the carpet to shreds, okay?” Tenten said. “Once a month it’s a fucking monster truck rally in here.”

“Lady Tsunade said you’re a fighter, Sasuke,” Ino said, “which is for the best. Naruto gets wild around the full moon, and you’ll be the one to keep him on a leash. He won’t make it easy for you, either,” she added, leaning forward. “Herniated disc or no.”

Sasuke, again, was at a rare loss for words. He was surrounded by the strangest strangers he’d ever encountered, Sakura was growing slowly more pissed at him by his side, and he couldn’t even look at Naruto out of unexpected nervousness. Usually, Sasuke despised the “ _and it was all a dream_ ” plotline in movies, but just this once, he wouldn’t mind it. He’d wake up on that sweaty bus just as it rolled up to the gates of KU and he’d start over. 

Sasuke had enrolled in Konoha University with goals in mind, but they were narrowing. He finally looked at Naruto, for just a moment, and he was still smiling widely. Sakura’s body was stiff beside his, frozen in controlled anger. The rest of the circle chatted away easily around him like they hadn’t just crushed his plan of four years right in front of his eyes.

Yes, he only had one goal now: survive.


	2. The Cursed Couch (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura squares up, all the residents of the house do questionable things, and Naruto and Sasuke make a wager

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back and I'm having a bad time! Writing is a big coping mechanism for me, especially writing things that are more funny and nonsensical, so posting here makes me feel better. I'm really excited to share this chapter, because I love writing Sasuke's POV. He's a little bit of an unreliable narrator, which makes him both frustrating and fun. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter as much as I enjoy writing it!!

“That’s my shirt.” 

Sakura looked down; her shirt--or rather his shirt--was his favorite shade of pitch black, with sleeves just a little too long and a thin line of bright red running down the seams. Had he found it in the women’s section at an outlet store? Yes, but that wasn’t the point; the point was that Sakura is going to stretch the chest out.

They’d been waved away by Ino, ever cheerful, and directed to a door off the large living room to the right of the staircase. It seemed fairly normal; it had a little sign with flowers drawn on it that said their names in cursive font. This was Ino’s doing, of course. There were still faint traces of a mystery liquid running down the wood, however, that even the most enthusiastic future trophy wife couldn’t scrub away

“This? No, it’s not, this is my shirt. I bought this.”

After the crowd dispersed and they’d shared a few hushed sentences, Sakura turned heel and walked out the front door. Sasuke had rolled his eyes, lugged their bags into their new room and started unpacking. She was gone for a long time, or at least long enough that Sasuke was about to call her. 

If the walk was supposed to calm her down, it clearly didn’t.

“No, you bought it  _ for me _ ,” Sasuke said. “My shirt. I was wearing it that time someone tried to rob the Snake Bin and I whip kicked him in the parking lot. I showed you the camera footage and you said ‘well, if you were going to get held at knifepoint in a convenience store, at least you looked good doing it.’”

Sakura hadn’t looked at him as she walked in, but rather around the room. Sasuke hadn’t noticed much besides that the room was simple and small, by the standards of those raised in a palace. This was for the best, as Sasuke’s bed was placed against one wall while Sakura’s was on the other, as well as their dressers and desks. If they had been greeted with a bunk bed, Sakura would probably be slamming her feet up against his mattress all night.

She stopped, glaring at him sharply, and then made an angry noise through her teeth. The shirt was ripped off over her head and thrown at his face like a frisbee. “There’s your shirt, asshole. Unless this is your bra?” Sasuke rolled his eyes, bending to pick up the shirt, and Sakura gasped. “Hold up, those are my jeans!”

He looked down. “No, they aren’t. They’re black jeans.”

“Just because you hoard them like a pack rat doesn’t mean no one else can have them. I stole them out of the gym bag of that girl who told the coach she thought I should change in the men’s locker room. I’m not kidding, look at them.” 

Sasuke pulled on the waistband, looking at the back of the pocket. Women’s XL. That’s why they fit wrong. “Fork ‘em over,” Sakura said, holding out her hand. “You started it.” Sasuke leaned against his bed and pulled them off his legs, folding and throwing them at her feet.

Both half-dressed, they glared at each other. Under normal circumstances, this would be a non-issue. Their closets tended to bleed into one another's freely. The only things that weren’t shared was Sakura’s gold ring with a glittering purple jewel and Sasuke’s lock and chain necklace that he’d only taken off once since he’d been given it.

It wasn’t unreasonable for Sakura to be upset with him, but once she started the snide act they were both in for it. Usually, when she got like that, they went their separate ways. Never more than a day, but it gave them both a chance to swallow some pride and think without snapping at each other.

Unfortunately, there was nowhere to go. It’d gotten dark outside quickly, and neither of them wanted to venture out into the rest of the monster house without very good reason; the solution to this, apparently, was to angrily unpack on either side of the room. 

Their tempers had truly been tested today. Sasuke could admit he’d put her through it, or at least more than he usually did, but he didn’t say sorry. Ever.

Sakura knew that, and she liked that about him. Most of the time. Currently, she clearly couldn’t find a single thing likeable in all 5 feet and 9 inches of him. Her hands went to her face, violently tearing off her Rilakkuma bandaid. It left a pink stripe over her nose, which looked silly, but he got the point. If Sakura ripped off her bandaid like that, he’d better watch it or his limbs were next.

He turned finally, pushing things around in his bag to find pants that weren’t Sakura’s. When Sakura was upset, her voice got loud and spoke along with her hands. She’d cry sometimes, but that shouldn’t be confused for weakness.

“Pants with snaps down the sides? Really?”

He sighed, pulling them on. “Leave my tearaways alone.”

When Sasuke was upset, he got cold. He chose his words very carefully, and rarely rose his voice above a-

“Tear aways? Bet Naruto loved those.”

His hands stilled in tying his drawstrings and looked up to see her back turned to him, going through her things. “I’m trying to think of what I can  _ possibly fucking say to you _ right now to make you stop acting like a child,” Sasuke hissed, words coming out so quickly they nearly tripped over each other, “but I’m starting to think that there’s no answer to that, so why don’t you get it all out right now?” She turned around, hackles raised.

“You lied to me, Sasuke!” she shouted, hands clenching. He wouldn’t be surprised if everyone in the house heard that, but she didn’t care. “I don’t care what you do, and I never fucking have! I wouldn’t care if you tattooed your face, I wouldn’t care if you robbed a bank, I wouldn’t care if you viciously murdered a man in cold blood.”

“Well-”

“More than all of that, I wouldn’t have cared if you had sex Naruto Uzumaki more than once. Ten times. A hundred times. I would have been okay with it, and you know that! So why did you fucking lie to me?”

Sasuke stood in silence, watching her tear up. He didn’t know what to tell her. He had several reasons why he didn’t tell her, but saying any of them out loud would be admitting to the parts of himself he didn’t like. Lying was one of the worst things he could do to her, though, and so he was torn.

“Is it hard for you to say,” she asked, “or are you trying to think of a lie?

He shook his head, which didn’t give much of an answer either way. Sakura wiped her eyes and waited for his answer, her face perfectly blank. He’d been right; the house was hell and he was being tortured. “I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea,” he said finally, and he inwardly prepared himself for the verbal beating he was about to receive. “I didn’t want you to think I really liked him.”

“Is that… Are you kidding me? Is that a joke? You blatantly lied to your best friend for almost a year and it’s because you didn’t want me to think you had  _ a crush on someone _ ?” 

Yeah, it did sound pretty stupid when she put it like that. 

“Well, that kind of backfired, Sasuke, because now I think you would have had to been  _ head-over-fucking-heels _ in love with him to lie to me about it! Is that how badly you refuse to show emotion? Is the thought of someone even  _ thinking _ that you have feelings that awful?” Sasuke just grit his teeth and took it, until: “You know what? Right now I actually kind of feel bad for Naruto, for having to be with someone as frigid as you.”

Ouch.

“Don’t follow me,” Sasuke said, walking towards the door, and Sakura told him she wasn’t planning on it. 

The door shut behind him more forcefully than he intended, but he could hear Sakura growling and slamming drawers, so he didn’t think it mattered. His hand rested on the door knob. He thought about walking back in, saying something that might fix it, but that’s not how they operated. That, and he was suddenly distracted by a long moan coming from behind him. Then came another, and another, accompanied by heavy breathing and squelching.

He didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t want to see whatever he was going to see if he did. This house was one of ill intent; no amount of air freshener could kill the pervasive smell of bad omens and dirty socks. However, he hadn’t thought there’d be people just having sex  _ on the couch in the middle of the living room _ .

“Oh, hey Sasuke!” a voice said, and a few others greeted him similarly as the moans continued. “Wanna watch with us?”

Having sex in the common area was bad, so this wasn’t worse per se, but sitting on the couch and scattered bean bags watching porn like it was a movie was pretty bad, too.

“Okay, I feel like this looks really weird, but hear me out.” Tenten turned down the volume to an odd number, which was impossibly annoying of her to do. “We’re watching it for the story, okay?” She pointed at the woman on screen. She had long dark hair, too much eyeliner, and, sure enough, was the source of the moaning. “That’s Ami. She’s been totally in love with this guy Tom since high school, but was too afraid to say it. They’re in college now, and Tom started dating this other girl. 

“After that… I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain because the plot gets super complicated. You’d have to watch the other episodes to get it. Anyway, Tom and Ami are finally making out. Even though the sex is pretty tame, we usually don’t watch it, but sometimes she reveals key information in the middle of a scene, and we don’t want to miss it, you know?”

Sasuke was trying desperately to only look at the potted plant behind the couple on screen. He didn’t watch porn often, and he definitely did not watch straight soft-core porn. Then, he looked at the group. Shikamaru and Choji were passing a bag of popcorn back and forth. Kiba was sprawled out on the couch, while Tenten sat on his shins, remote in hand. They were all in sweatpants and looked like this was a normal Wednesday night, just hanging out and viewing “watch what ami does next (5) hot softcore”. 

“This entire situation is making me physically sick,” was all he was able to say, and Choji nodded.

“That’s completely fair. It’s not to everyone’s taste. It was either this or The Brave Little Toaster, but we were in the mood for something more plot heavy.” Sasuke was going to have a fucking conniption. His current choices were to go back into his room with a grizzly bear foaming at the mouth, or watch some couple have vague intercourse with people he’d met an hour ago. Sasuke was living in a fucked up game of would-you-rather. He kept thinking he had hit rock bottom, but he’d instead only slipped from the first ring of the inferno to the second.

Sasuke sat down with his back to the door and pulled out his phone, only to stare at it. What did he think he’d achieve? The only person he ever texted besides Sakura was Kakashi, and he didn’t imagine Kakashi would be remotely sympathetic to his situation. He’d encourage Sasuke to join his new roommates. In fact, he’d probably already seen what they were watching. Sasuke was getting a killer headache.

He found his thumb hovering over Naruto in his contacts. All their chat history, photos together and messages Naruto left him had been deleted, but Sasuke had never been one to delete contacts. That might be the lingering Uchiha instinct within him; you never know when you might need a favor, or when someone might come crawling back to you. 

Sasuke might be in the latter category right now. He stared at the single emoji where a name should be; he could remember well that night.

_ “Why am I ‘Uzumaki’ in your phone?” Naruto had asked, peering over Sasuke’s shoulder as he scrolled through his contacts, searching for a classmate to bully into comparing notes with him. Sasuke told him not to get all offended, but Naruto snatched the device out of his hand anyway, shifting his weight on the mattress.  _

_ “I’d like to think we’re beyond last name basis,” he said, and snaked his arms under Sasuke’s so he could see the screen. His chin rested on Sasuke’s shoulder. “Here.” He thumbed through the emojis until he found the swirled fishcake. “Perfect. It’s Naruto, get it?” Sasuke flicked Naruto’s arm hard, making him yelp. He pinched Sasuke’s side, in the space between his ribs and hip.  _

That was the way they had talked occasionally, with both a slight twinge of pain and the warmth of being known.

Sasuke turned off his phone with a click and tossed it aside onto the stained carpet. His fingers went to the lock around his neck as they often did in times of peril. He was stumped. Maybe he could sit there, and if he sat there long enough, he’d die.

“You guys need to turn that shit down,” a voice Sasuke knew well called from up the stairway, and then there was a pause. “Wait, is that Ami?”

“Yeah,” said Shikamaru, “but this episode has been really boring.” Naruto appeared from the stairwell, walking to peer around the T.V. screen.

“What happened?”

“Move, you’re blocking the screen,” Kiba pleaded, and Naruto stepped to the sidelines, rolling his eyes. “Just watch the episode yourself, we don’t want to explain everything that’s happened.” The rest of the group nodded, and then let out a communal noise of disgust as the episode evidently came to a close. 

“God, did they have to zoom in that far? I could see their pores,” complained Choji. “The dialogue was super compelling, though. Is the next episode out yet?”

Naruto opened his mouth to respond along with the other chorus of opinions, but his eyes caught Sasuke’s. How pitiful he must look, cornered against the door. He immediately gave Sasuke a look of concern that made him want to gag; Naruto was always looking for a kitten stuck in a tree, or a damsel in distress. Sasuke happened to be neither of those things, but that didn’t stop Naruto’s savior complex from revving.

Yes, that look. Naruto was standing in front of him, holding out a hand. Always the good guy, always the hero. Part of Sasuke wanted Naruto to dislike him or to be angry with him for ignoring him; then, at least, he’d know Naruto viewed him as an equal instead of as a baby bird. 

Naruto had to bend now, with how tall he’d gotten, and that only annoyed Sasuke more. He pushed Naruto’s hand away, grabbed his phone and stood up on his own two feet lest he be swept off them. “What?” he asked, probably more forcefully than needed. Naruto rubbed his hand on his sweatpants as if he’d never offered it.

“I just thought you might want to escape. You know, away from both a livid girl with a black belt and communal adult movie viewing. Sounds like a rock and a hard place to me. Somewhat literally.”

Those were his choices; rock, hard place, and a looming not-quite-ex-boyfriend who probably had the power to break his bones like candy canes. It was a choose-your-own-adventure story but every ending sucks absolute ass. Sasuke’s fingers tapped his phone, and then he nodded. “Fine.”

It wasn’t as though Sasuke wasn’t expecting it, but Naruto’s room was in absolute ruins. Naruto had led him away from the rat pack up the stairs, taking a left down a hall and pushing open a heavy door with claw marks raking down the face for Sasuke to walk through. He knew that Naruto had spent his whole life with someone to pick up after him, but even then, it was excessive. 

It was a dumping ground for all things caught in the limbo between teen and adult. There was a huge white board calendar on the wall, but it held no plans of any kind, only doodles and song lyrics that traveled off its edges onto the wall. A tall bookshelf built from dark wood stood in the corner and was filled to the brim. On closer inspection, however, it was crammed with comic books and video games. There was a dresser, a closet, and many drawered desk. Despite this fact, everything was on the floor.

“Uh, sorry,” Naruto said sheepishly, brushing Sasuke’s side as he passed. He stood, glancing around, and seemed to realize there wasn’t much to be done. He shrugged slightly in a way that was so characteristically Naruto. Sasuke watched his back, which was a much needed break from his front; he was wearing a shirt that proclaimed loudly  _ “I GOT WORMS” _ . Underneath, in much smaller font, was the name of a local worm farm, but the three words above did all the damage they could.

Sasuke remembered that shirt, unfortunately. It used to be a little too big, and was now a little too small. Sasuke had always loathed it. 

_ “Sheesh, relax,” Naruto would say as Sasuke would start pulling it off him the second they were behind the closed doors of his room. “What, is my having worms a turn off?” Sasuke would just throw it aside and push him up against the nearest surface, kissing him hard. Naruto would laugh against Sasuke’s mouth. _

Naruto looked over his shoulder to meet Sasuke’s eyes, and his face tinged slightly pink. There was a high possibility they were thinking something along the same lines. It probably didn’t help that Sasuke was wearing the necklace Naruto had given him, which Naruto seemed to keep glancing down at. It felt hot against his skin; it was such a part of him now that he’d often forget he hadn’t always had it. He did his best to ignore it.

Sasuke sighed and kicked some things out of the way to step further into the room. The door shut with an extended creak that filled the air and then a noisy thud. It felt slightly damning, but it was a bit late to be un-damned.

“You can…” Naruto looked around again and then gestured to the bed. “Sit there?” Sasuke raised his eyebrows at him. Naruto went even more red, waving a hand. “No, no, not like that. Here.” He scooped a huge pile of clothes off his desk chair. Of course he had a clothes chair; what underclassmen didn’t?

Sasuke sat down in the now-naked chair and Naruto sat down on his bed. They were a strange distance apart, just a little too far away. Better than too close, of course, but regardless of Sasuke’s feelings on the matter, he and Naruto knew each other too well to be sitting at opposite sides of the enormous elephant in the room.

Sasuke took a closer look around. It was typically Naruto still, but with some strange alterations (as expected for the Konoha Historic). Similar to the door, there were slashs in nearly everything; the furniture, the walls and the ceiling. There were some large splatters of blood in a few places. He turned to the boy sitting cross-legged on his mattress, smiling. Sasuke felt a pang in his chest. The whole werefox thing still rubbed him all types of wrong ways, but the image of Naruto bleeding out in this room all alone was worse. 

He peered around a little longer, taking his midnight hair down from its high ponytail and then tying it. He furrowed his brow. There were large squares of wavy black foam attached to the walls and ceiling, similar to the inside of a recording booth. Naruto followed his gaze. “The rooms are padded. Not for weird reasons, just in case someone starts ramming themselves against the walls. They also are soundproofed, so we can’t hear each other scream and stuff.” 

Both of those sounded like weird reasons.

“It didn’t used to be like this, I guess, but then Hinata moved in. Nobody wants to be woken up by a shrill voice screaming ‘CAT HAIR SKATEBOARD STAIRCASE CHERRY COLA’ at 3 am.” Sasuke almost opened his mouth to ask what the fuck that meant, but he remembered Hinata mentioning her prophecies coming in sets of random useless words.

“I can’t imagine what she could possibly be predicting.”

“There was this girl in Kiba’s comparative religion class who was really into cats. Whenever she came into class, she had hair all over her sweater, and it drove Kiba insane. She kept saying how much better than dogs they were, so Kiba was determined to teach his service dog to skateboard to prove they’re better once and for all. 

“He kept leaving the skateboard out around the house, though, so one day Neji stepped on it. He got dumped down the whole flight of stairs to the basement and got trigger finger, in like, every finger. After that, he prophesied that Kiba was going to die by being crushed by a vending machine. He made it up, but Kiba was too afraid to buy cherry cola out of them for a month.”

Sasuke sat silent for a moment and then spoke. “Wow. Kiba took comparative religion.”

“I love that  _ that’s _ what you can’t believe.”

He shook his head, though it only aided the ache filling it. “What I can’t believe is that I’m living on the set of a C-rank horror movie.” College had started with eyeballs falling out people’s heads and Sakura verbally blowing his head off. Above all, however, he couldn’t believe the boy sitting in front of him. Naruto was huge, semi-feral and Sasuke was now employed as his personal warden.

To Sasuke’s surprise Naruto immediately nodded. “I don’t blame you. If I’d known you were…” He trailed off and for a moment something flashed in his eyes. Irritation, then it was gone with a sigh. “If I’d known you were coming, I would have gotten you out of this mess. Unfortunately, there’s almost no chance of getting through Tsunade at this point.”

Sasuke nodded; he expected as much.

“Honestly, I think you have a bigger problem than some bloodstains and a giant rat infestation.”

“Wait, hold up-”

“I’ve never seen Sakura upset with you. I’ve never heard of you arguing at all, actually. Again, if I’d known she didn’t know, I would have shut up. The best I can, at least.” Sasuke gazed at the walls again; the soundproof rooms combined with the loud T.V. meant most likely no one had heard their fight. That was for the best; he’d admitted to something he never wanted Naruto to hear.

As furious as Sakura had been with Sasuke, it wasn’t any kind of shocker that he disliked revealing that he  _ felt _ . Some emotions he could share, like anger or humor, but there were others buried so deep in his chest that it’d take a couple cracked ribs to get them out. In fact, he could only assume they were in there; it’d been many years since they’d shown their ugly little faces.

Naruto, on the other hand, was a minefield of emotion. He always had been, but especially when it came to Sasuke. Every touch was a snare, every word was a steel-jaw trap, and Sasuke had no interest in it. Naruto had always liked Sasuke more than Sasuke liked him in return, but that hadn’t stopped him from fumbling with Sasuke’s heartstrings, daring to pull. That is to say, Sasuke didn’t want Naruto to get even the slightest idea he felt something for him. That’s the only thing that could fuck this up more.

“I want to help you. It’s the least I can do, seeing as I’ll probably try to use you as a teething ring in a few weeks,” Naruto said brightly, standing up, and Sasuke wondered if there was a better way he could have phrased that. “What’s something that Sakura likes?”

“Trivia games. Bandaids. Roller skates. The blandest food you’ve ever eaten in your life,” he said last, rolling his eyes. She treated rayu like toxic waste. “Fighting, obviously, that’s probably her favorite thing of all.”

“Cool, very unhelpful. What’s something  _ nice _ she likes? What’s something that could show that you care?”

Sasuke glared at Naruto, but considered the question. “Cherry blossoms. It’s on the nose for a girl named Sakura, but she loves them.”

Naruto clapped his hands with joy. “That’s perfect! They don’t grow this time of year, but I know exactly how to get some.” He made his way to the door, wincing when something crunched under his foot. “I hope that wasn’t important…”

“Wait,” Sasuke said, making Naruto turn back with another crunch. “I need a favor.” Naruto’s eyes widened, and flicked to Sasuke’s necklace again. This was unprecedented; Sasuke never asked for favors. At his least direct he would casually mention something and hope Naruto would pick up, and at his most, he’d just demand things. Rarely did he  _ ask _ .

“Anything,” Naruto said, and that one word made Sasuke feel strange. It’d left Naruto’s mouth so easily; he hadn’t thought about it for more than a few seconds, and had already committed himself whole-heartedly. Sasuke had forgotten what he wanted to say for a moment, and the pause lasted just one second into awkwardness.

“Sakura doesn’t know anything about my past whatsoever. Not about being an Uchiha, or growing up in the big city. For all she knows, my parents lived and died as nobodies, and my uncle Kakashi got custody. She  _ definitely _ doesn’t know about us having known each other forever. Our skulls were still fucking pliable when we met, sure, but to her, you’re just a high school jock who wanted to give fucking the school vampire a try and accidentally got attached.” Naruto’s face flushed bright red. “Well, I shouldn’t say vampire anymore, considering they exist...”

“I know what you’re getting at,” Naruto said, voice rough. He looked as though he was deep in thought and his words were absent minded. “I won’t tell her anything you don’t want me to. Don’t worry about it, okay?” Sasuke nodded, and stood up himself heading towards the door. Before he could reach it, Naruto caught his wrist to pull him back. 

His grip was firm but not painful, a show of calculated strength. Sasuke met his eyes and Naruto’s expression had suddenly changed, from abashed to unreadable. “To be clear, I got attached, but it wasn’t an accident,” Naruto said, ”and I didn’t ‘ _ give you a try _ .’ I knew exactly what I wanted. Better than you, probably.”

Sasuke’s jaw went slack as Naruto released his wrist and opened the door, stepping into the hallway.

_ Naruto’s hand slid to Sasuke’s wrists, pulling them over his head and pressing them into the mattress. It was a game, of course; Sasuke could easily break free of his grip, but he stayed put as Naruto’s other hand slid down his stomach. “You’re being so good for me, Sasuke,” he purred, and- _

NO, Sasuke was  _ not _ about to reminisce right now. That was so far in the past it was barely a speck on the horizon; Naruto had just taken him by surprise, that's all. It was impossible to deny that his heartbeat had shot through the fucking roof, but that’s just a trained reaction, obviously. He followed Naruto through the door, and Naruto was smiling at him again, but it was different in a way Sasuke couldn’t place.

If there was some plan to give Sasuke a map or even a short explanation of how this mansion was laid out, there hadn’t been a sign of it yet. Naruto led him further down the hallway, then took a right around a corner. The second he did, the air changed. It felt fresher, almost, and there was a slight breeze even with no windows open. There seemed to be vines sprouting from the walls and the carpet like they were soil.

By the time they stopped at a door, they were standing in a small forest. The wallpaper looked more like bark now, and felt rough under Sasuke’s fingers. A few drops of water landed on his forehead and nose, but when he looked up he didn’t see a sky, only dense jungle leaves and branches. He had felt fear being struck in his chest like a match, but the soft rain was making it fizzle out. The existence of magic completely blindsided him, and why wouldn’t that be daunting? Only Sasuke was allowed to be unknowable. Still, even he couldn’t deny this was beautiful. 

Naruto pushed up a curtain of thin vines and twisted the knob on the door that’d been hiding. “Hello!” he said brightly, and Sasuke could hear a voice growl in annoyance.

“Naruto! What have we been saying about the knocking?” Naruto didn’t respond but stepped inside, Sasuke in tow.

If the hallway had been impressive, the bedroom was even more so. Shikamaru was sprawled across a couch that looked to be made completely of twisted roots, perfectly fit to the way he was positioned. A huge leaf was tied to the walls with reeds, creating a roof to protect from the rain. It slanted slightly, sending water cascading down its side into a small brook following along the wall, springing up from a pile of rocks and flowing through a drain at the end. It was lush and green.

And then it all stopped abruptly, grass turning to beige carpet. Only half the room was jungle, the other half was nearly identical to the looks of Naruto’s. Choji smiled brightly, sitting cross legged on his bed among piles of textbooks. This would have been almost normal if his shirt wasn’t partially undone in the back. His enormous wings laid out behind him, flapping slightly from time to time.

“Hi, Naruto, Sasuke!” Choji said. “It would have been preferable if you’d knocked, but I guess you’re here now. What’s up?”

“Sasuke needs your help,” Naruto said to Shikamaru, and Sasuke’s eyes widened. Not for many years has he considered himself in need of someone else’s help, and yet Naruto said it as though it was nothing at all. 

He pushed past Naruto. “I need a favor,” he corrected and then wished he could take it back. He didn’t even know what the favor even  _ was _ ; this was all Naruto’s idea. 

“What is it? I’m a busy man.” Shikamaru certainly was not. He didn’t seem as though he’d ever worked in his life, much less worked hard. He wasn’t even looking at them; he was playing Tabikaeru on his phone. Sasuke could hear the familiar tune. 

“Sasuke just got in a huge fight with his platonic girlfriend, so we thought some flowers might help her not hate him so much. Cherry blossoms?” Sasuke flicked his arm like he used to with a hiss.

“Flowers aren’t the way to a woman’s heart,” Shikamaru said bluntly, to which Choji laughed.

“Ah, yes, because Shikamaru Nara is such a ladies man. Well, when he bothers to wear something other than sweatshirts and scrubs the moss from behind his ears.” Shikamaru rolled his eyes, ignoring his friend. “Tons of girls have confessed to him since freshman year, but when it gets to actually being with said girls, he gets cold feet.”

“Try cold hooves,” Shikamaru said, lifting a leg, and yes, he had cloven hooves where there would usually not be cloven hooves. “Not to mention the antlers. Am I supposed to fuck wearing nothing but socks and a hat, Choji? Is that what I should do? Huh? I think not.” Choji was laughing, bent into a small heap.

“Flowers? Yes or no?”

“Why not?” Shikamaru said, “Especially if it’ll get you guys off my ass.”

He straightened up, cracking his back. “He secretly loves this,” Choji whispered to Naruto and Sasuke. “It makes him feel cool to act like it’s no big deal.” Shikamaru shushed him and then shut his eyes, holding his palms together towards the ceiling. He spoke something under his breath, and then he began to glow. It started in his chest, faint, and then the pure golden light seemed to glow all over.

From his palms, something began sprouting. It was tiny at first, and then grew with speed. It shot upwards, a foot into the air, and then twisted as smaller branches formed off of the main body. Finally, small blossoms broke through and then flourished, unfolding into delicate flowers. Sasuke could help watching with rapt attention as the light faded away. Shikamaru was left holding a sakura branch and offered it up to Naruto. “That good enough?”

“Wow, Shikamaru,” Naruto breathed, rushing forward to grab the branch. “I’m always so impressed by your powers.” Shikamaru shrugged, slinking back to his chair.

“Don’t call it a favor,” he said to Sasuke. “Consider it making up for the shit greeting you got today. First finding out you’re in charge of 10 grade-A freaks, and then having to witness us watch porn like it’s a spectator sport.”

“There’s 11 people who live here,” Naruto said and Shikamaru nodded.

“I didn’t count Choji. Choji’s fine.” Choji gave him a thumbs up.

“I’m just relieved no one was actually fucking on that couch,” Sasuke said, as he wasn’t sure what else to. 

“Are you insane? We would  _ never _ do that.” All three of the other boys were suddenly staring at Sasuke as if he’d just casually suggested blowing the house sky high. Sasuke didn’t appreciate the gawking;  _ he _ wasn’t the one knocking people over with his wings or clawing the carpet or vaping.

“This house doubles as a storage unit for haunted things that are too evil to be around normies but too dangerous to dispose of,” Naruto explained. “Like the grandfather clock on the third floor, or the red toaster in the kitchen. They just lie dormant in here and we try not to mess with them too much, so that includes the couch. House rule: no jumping or humping on the couch.”

Sasuke winced at the phrasing. “Yet you sit on it anyway.”

“Well, duh,” Shikamaru said, as if he was being forced to explain this to a newborn. “Just wait until you feel it, it's like sitting in a freshly-baked angel food cake. Don’t lose anything in the crack in the cushions, though, because you will  _ never _ see it again. Ino lost a diamond earring once and cried for an hour.”

“We should give him an overview of the other haunted things.”

Shikamaru yawned. “Maybe we _should_ , but why not let Ino do it? She loves being a tour guide. She’ll get you up bright and early for job training; she doesn’t lump herself in with the rest of us, so I’m sure she’s ecstatic to be joined by ‘normal people.’”

Sasuke opened his mouth to retort but Naruto beat him to it with a laugh. “Normal, huh? Look no further than Sasuke and Sakura Haruno, your typical god-fearing and law-abiding citizens.”

“I’ll assume that’s sarcasm. Why are you two still here, anyway?” Shikamaru asked, though his voice was losing its bite as his eyes closed. “You got what you wanted. If it’s just to say hi, don’t make a habit of it. You just brought whatever weird sexual tension is brewing between you guys right into my sanctuary unsolicited.”

“Ignore him,” Choji said quickly. “He’s just cranky because he’s tired.” Shikamaru didn’t respond as his body went still and his face blank. Moss crawled up from the floor to cover him like a thick green blanket. “I, for one, enjoy the company!” cheered Choji. “Come back anytime!”

They stepped back into the hallway in silence, Sasuke holding the sakura branch. A petal drifted down to the floor gently. He couldn’t help but be impressed. When Shiakamaru had said he’d been cursed by a forest spirit, Sasuke hadn’t known what that entailed. It appeared that Shikamaru was more into napping than natural disasters, however. 

He followed Naruto down the hallway in silence, and then smirked. “God-fearing.  _ Law-abiding _ .”

“I knew you were going to say something about it!” Naruto said, looking over his shoulder. “Listen, I pulled out the big words for you, Sasuke. The  _ hyphens _ .”

The route back past Naruto’s room and then down the stairs was identical to the way they’d come. If this house was one of those moving mansions from fantasy stories, there was a possibility Sasuke would just wander and get lost indefinitely. He refused to have his cause of death be “fucky hallways”.

By this time, the living room had been emptied out, with only some scattered popcorn and socks around the demon couch. The house should have been quiet, with all the bedrooms being soundproofed, but there was the constant presence of sound. It was nothing specific; the house simply had a noisy existence. 

“You wanna give it to her?” Naruto asked.

When Sasuke slowly opened the door and looked inside, Sakura had her back to the door. She was either asleep or very good at pretending. He left the door open, letting the strip of light guide his way. The cherry blossoms were beautiful, even the low-light, and he placed the branch next to her pillow.

He walked back out of the room, shutting the door quietly, and then rubbed his eyes. Sasuke was exhausted; he’d spent the entire night before forcing Sakura to downsize her luggage so they wouldn’t dislocate her shoulder.  _ “No, wait, what if I need that?” _ she’d said over and over, while he held up things like a 8th-grade geometry textbook, or a birthday card that used to play a dainty little jingle and now sounds slightly blood-curdling. It was because she was anxious to leave Bitchwood for the first time, but it had been long after midnight when they finished.

Naruto was watching him but Sasuke didn’t return his stare. Hopefully he didn’t owe Naruto something now; that would be a disaster, indebted to his ex-something now-towering… He turned to look at Naruto, and stepped closer to him. He had to tilt his chin up to make eye-contact, and Naruto tilted his head in a silent question.

“How tall are you?”

Naruto nearly rolled his eyes, turning away slightly. “For all the times I’ve been asked that... I’m 6’7.” Sasuke nodded and stepped away like this held little interest to him; this was a lie, obviously. A man could be dumb as a fucking rock and he still might turn Sasuke’s head if he was even half as hot as Naruto. Not that Naruto needed to know that.

He looked around, eyeing the cursed couch. Sasuke wasn’t eager to sleep on the couch, as he got the feeling it might take a bite out of his ass if he got too comfortable. At the same time, he was starting to get a little resigned to the situation as a whole. He was hoping to relax a little. It seemed like most of the beings in this house could smell fear.

“Are there blankets somewhere?”

Naruto was silent, and when Sasuke turned, he looked confused. “You…” he started, and then looked at his hands. “You don’t have to sleep downstairs, you know. If you don’t want to”

Ah, there it was. This is what the last few hours of tension was leading up to. Sasuke had to admit that he would have been a bit let down if Naruto hadn’t invited him into his bed; just because Naruto was really tall, no longer human, and really tall, didn’t mean he was suddenly better than Sasuke was. 

But, as it turns out, Sasuke  _ did  _ indeed have to sleep downstairs. If he didn’t, he would probably fuck Naruto, and if he fucked Naruto, any power he had over the werefox would dissipate. He was just being realistic; Sasuke prided himself on the control he held over himself, but Naruto was a whole different animal.

“I’m not going to fuck you,” Sasuke said cooly, and Naruto’s eyes went wide. He started to speak, as if to explain himself, but Sasuke waved a hand. “I’m not offended, I’m just not going to fuck you. It’s gotten me in enough trouble already.”   
Naruto blinked at him. “You realize that the issue wasn’t us sleeping together, right? It was you lying about it. Right? Sex good, lie bad?”

“Oh fuck off, I’m not saying no because of that,” Sasuke snapped. “We aren’t kids anymore, Naruto. I have more important things to focus on and you have to find someone to make cute little blonde heirs with. We don’t make sense together anymore.” Naruto’s face was unreadable, and Sasuke sighed. “We are classmates who will occasionally face-off once a month during the full moon. That’s it.” The number of times he’d said it was starting to feel ridiculous, like he was trying to convince himself more than Naruto, but: “I’m not going to fuck you.”

He turned to try and find something that wasn’t covered in hair or mystery stain; very faintly, Naruto said something under his breath.

“Spit it out.”

There was a pause, and then Naruto spoke. 

“Wanna bet?”

Sasuke slowed in his movements, and turned to where Naruto stood, now with his shoulders straight and gaze level. “Excuse me?”

“I’m asking if you want to bet on it. You’re not going to fuck me?” Naruto let out a short laugh. “I think it’s adorable, you acting like you stand a chance.” Sasuke dropped the pillow in his hands to turn towards Naruto, eyes narrowed. “Hope you’re ready to choke on your words.”

“You’re acting pretty smug for a guy who needs to be kept on a leash,” Sasuke hissed. “I have no interest in you anymore.” 

Naruto just shook his head at that. “Nah, you want me. When I grabbed your arm before and my voice got all low, like  _ this _ ,” he said, words coming out quiet and rough, “you think it wasn’t written all over your face?” Sasuke broke eye contact; he couldn’t help it. “Come on, I can smell it on you, Sas. You want me.”

“Don’t call me Sas,” was all he could get out, but it sounded pathetic. Naruto just smiled with satisfaction, which drove Sasuke insane. How the fuck was he supposed to control how he smelled? That meant nothing; just because he thought Naruto was hot didn’t mean he would sleep with him.

“A bet is a great idea,” Sasuke said finally. “When I get through the school year without sleeping with you, you’ll do everything in your power to get Sakura and I out of this frankly appalling dorm.” Despite the passing of Naruto’s parents, the Uzumaki name still had a large influence and wealth. It might not be easy, but he could get them out of this situation.

Naruto thought about this and then nodded. “Okay. What’s the reward on my side?”

“You get to fuck me. Is that enough?”

“Oh.” Naruto coughed; there seemed to be a time limit for how long he could hold up the “tough guy” act. “Yeah, that’s enough.”

He held out a hand, which Sasuke took. His grip was warm and tight. They shook on their bet, and Sasuke smirked. “I’m never going to let you, Naruto. You know that, right?”

Naruto laughed lightly, and let go of his hand. “Oh, I don’t think you’re going to  _ let _ me fuck you. I think you’re going to beg me to.” With this he turned around, heading for the stairs. “Blankets are in the closet to your right. ‘Night, Sasuke.” He was gone.

Sasuke stood still in the darkness of the living room and tried to process what had just happened. What he should have done was told Naruto that he was being immature and to leave Sasuke alone. What he  _ did _ do is talk a big fucking game and get roped into a wager that only made things were complicated than they already were.

There was another part of him, an annoying part, that was excited. He loved competition, particularly with Naruto. Sasuke not only wanted to win, he wanted to win exhaustively; he could already think of so many ways to tiptoe on the edge of giving in without ever going all the way. Sasuke was never one to resist some good old-fashioned power play, and there was no one better to do it with.

He pulled blankets out of the closet and then cautiously approached the couch. He poked it; it felt like a normal couch for the most part. Sasuke sat down gingerly, and then almost wished that he hadn’t. Shikamaru had been right, despite this couch’s cursed existence, it felt pretty fucking good to sit in. It felt slightly warm for no reason, and it was the softest material he’d ever felt. Maybe Sasuke was getting lulled into a false sense of security, but he didn’t care; his eyes were closing before he’d even pulled the blanket over his shoulders.

...

Sasuke was woken up a few hours later by a finger tapping the side of his face. Any kind of touch while he was sleeping would otherwise make him snap into attack mode, but it was a tap he knew well. staunch but soft, from nails cut short. His eyes blinked open to see Sakura kneeling before him, wearing a Sailor Moon sweatshirt that swallowed her whole and acne stickers in the shape of stars along her jaw. It was a familiar sight that combated the foreign smell of the fabric beneath his cheek, and he couldn’t help sighing in relief.

Sakura’s eyes were much more gentle than they had been earlier, and Sasuke figured his probably were as well. Her finger just rested on his face as they looked at each other.

“It wasn’t my intention to hurt you, but I did, and that’s fucked up,” he admitted, and closed his eyes again. “It made me feel like shit whenever I lied, but I didn’t listen. You know me.” It was Sakura’s turn to sigh, but it was indeed knowing.

“You’re such a blabbermouth when you’re tired, you know that? You walk around all day choking yourself with a chain and padlock, but if I can get you groggy, you spit the key right into my hand.” Sasuke reached out to punch her shoulder, but it was feeble. “Come on,” Sakura said, standing up and held out a hand that Sasuke took. “I heard this couch is cursed.”

The first thing Sasuke did when he returned to their room was make his bed, and then throw the shirt he’d demanded from her back into her hands. She looked at it, and then rifled through her dresser, handing over her black jeans. The spring of cherry blossoms was sitting in a plastic cup of water on her desk.

“So…,” Sakura began, trailing off, but Sasuke knew where it was going. They were both lying in complete darkness, but everyone knows secrets love creeping around in low light. Sakura had relaxed, but she didn’t know anything about Sasuke’s relationship with Naruto (besides that it had led to the most uncomfortable conversation with a nurse Sasuke would probably ever have).

“Naruto Uzumaki. Big name. Football captain. Blinding smile. Homecoming king. A Bently  _ and _ a Benz. Overall golden boy.” Sasuke listened to each of these descriptors, and he wasn’t sure how to feel. On one hand, that sounded like someone he’d love to swing on off-campus. On the other hand, the ego trip he got from being with Naruto was off the rails. Sasuke would sit in class, listening to his peers moon over the most popular boy in school while fully knowing he was responsible for the red marks just under the collar of Naruto’s shirt? It felt fantastic.

“How does a delinquent with enough piercings to set off a metal detector and a permanent scowl convince a guy like that to dick him down?”

Sasuke nearly gagged. “You know I hate that phrase.”

“Oh, sorry,  _ make love _ .”

He grabbed one of his pillows and whipped it as hard as he could in the direction of her voice, making her yelp. “ _ He _ wanted  _ me _ , bitch, right from the start. All I did was exist; he was the one with condoms in the glove box.”

Sakura was quiet for a long time, and then said: “Please tell me you didn’t have sex with him in the back seat of his car.”

“Obviously not.”

“The front seat of his car?”

Sasuke didn’t have anything to say to that. 

Sakura exhaled the entire contents of her lungs loudly. “As usual, some of the things you do would be cries for help if I didn’t know you better. Still… Of all people, I don’t think Naruto is the worst pick whatsoever. He’s a genuinely good person, to the point of making me nauseous. A little puppy dog; both very sweet and totally kickable. Ino said it’s your job to keep him on a leash, but it seems to me your job is already done.”

He thought about this, but did himself a favor by not doing so too hard. His hand traveled without thought to the lock resting on his chest under his shirt, the metal matching the warmth of his skin. Sasuke disagreed; even though they spent most of their time retracted, Naruto had claws like anyone else. He didn’t correct her.

“At first, I didn’t think he was your type, but I see it,” Sakura continued. “It’s a beauty and the beast type deal.” Sasuke rolled his eyes, knowing who was who. Again, he had to object.

“If anyone was the beast, it was him. I kept having to sew buttons back on my shirt because he’d tear it open like...” He searched for a good metaphor.

“Like a raccoon tears open a trash bag?”

“I know you can’t see it, but I’m flipping you off.”

“I’ve never heard you talk about someone like this. Usually you’d punish me for daring to ask questions and intrude on your life by telling stories so graphic I should have to sign a waiver. But with him, with Naruto, you’re suspiciously quiet. I get it, he’s good in bed, but clearly something kept you coming back, right?” Sasuke, again, had no answer to this, and Sakura hadn’t expected one. “I wonder what it could be…”

Sasuke yawned widely; something about having personal conversations about himself made him want to lose consciousness as quickly as possible. “I’m tired. Hopefully you get it.”

“I mean, I’m not a bottom with daddy issues, but sure, I can imagine.” Sasuke’s second pillow flew straight and true, launching even harder than the first. “THE TRUTH HURTS, SASUKE.”

Sakura giggled, and Sasuke smiled, but he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest. Like an evil snake in a can, he’d abruptly been reminded of his conversation with Naruto.  _ “I won’t tell her anything you don’t want me to. Don’t worry about it, okay?” _ He was  _ still  _ lying to Sakura, even if it was just by omission. He’d never said when he’d met Naruto, but their previous friendship was too significant to brush over. And then, his Uchiha past… Fuck.

He didn’t want to tell her about this bet, either, or at least not all of it. Sasuke wasn’t going to lose, no way, but if he let Sakura know that their livelihood for the next four years was dependant on Sasuke resisting sex with a werefox? If  _ that _ was the reason they stayed stuck in this dorm, he would never live it down.

“You’re right,” Sakura said, “I’m tired, too. We need rest if we’re going to wrangle these weirdos tomorrow. I mean, our lives have always been some level of a fucked up mess, but it used to be ‘rated R for violence and language.’ Now it’s ‘rated R for violence, language, horror images, slime and gore.’” She was right; if Sasuke wasn’t going to spill his secrets, he might as well swallow the unease and move on. Besides, he’d landed them in the biggest mess of their lives; he should get prepared for the blisters from broom handles.

It was quiet in the darkness for a few minutes, until Sasuke spoke.

“Sakura.”

“Yeah.”

“Give me back my pillows.”

They landed on his chest with a quiet thump, and he slid them beneath his head. His phone buzzed by his side, reminding him he forgot to silence it. The screen was so blinding in his face he couldn’t even see what the notification was. Sasuke rolled on his side so the light wouldn’t bother Sakura, whose breathing had evened out.

_ Kakashi: How was your and Sakura’s first day _

With no question mark at the end, it read more as a bored statement than any desire for information. That was something they had in common; a dislike for question marks. As small as it may be, it revealed the need for someone else, for the information they had. There was definitely something wrong with both of them, but if they couldn’t be bothered to ask questions they certainly couldn’t be bothered to work on anything.

_ Sasuke: fine _

_ Kakashi: So not dead then _

_ Sasuke: i wouldn’t be texting you if i was dead old man _

_ Kakashi: I’m convinced that if you two go first you’ll haunt me. Not that you aren’t already.  _

_ Kakashi: It’s been one day and I’m already noticing all the property damage you’ve done. I now understand that you rearranged the living room last month so the couch would cover Sakura’s huge fucking red nail polish stain on the rug. It looks like I murdered someone in here. _

_ Sasuke: well if you ever do, just make sure it’s over that spot. Your welcome. _

_ Kakashi: Wait who’s old man   
_ _ Kakashi: I’m 31 you shit _

_ Sasuke: then why is your hair grey _

He saw the little dots that showed Kakashi was typing appear, then disappear, and appear again. Sasuke smiled at this. Kakashi wasn’t actually upset, or even remotely troubled; he’d only been genuinely mad at Sasuke a few times before, and it always fizzled out within a couple days. 

People who’d met them have thought they were father and son for how they acted, which always wounded Kakashi greatly. If he were to be Sasuke’s actual dad, he would have become a father just before his 13th birthday. “I’m  _ barely _ in my thirties,” he’d say miserably, and Sakura would pat his arm.

Sasuke exchanged a few more messages with Kakashi before he was told to “go the fuck to sleep and stop bothering me”, despite the fact that Kakashi had been the one to message him first. He said goodnight, and then went to silence his phone when it buzzed again. It wasn’t Kakashi.

_ Naruto: Despite whatever happened in high school and this bet (that Im definitely going to win btw), I think you and sakura could be really good for the house... Everyones glad you’re here, so give them a chance, ok? _

Sasuke tapped the notification. The message was there, alone in their chat, underneath that dumb emoji. It was the only one present, as Sasuke had deleted everything else. He wondered if Naruto had done the same or if he still had everything Sasuke had sent him. This made him slightly nervous; it wasn’t exactly blackmail material, but more than once he’d sent something in the heat of the moment that made him question his sanity the next morning.

The little typing bubbles popped away in the corner for what felt like several minutes, and then disappeared, with nothing sent. Sasuke’s eyes widened at this, and then he let out a huff. If that’s how they were going to play it, he didn’t feel any need to respond at all.

Despite whatever happened in high school, huh?

He tapped Naruto’s contact information and erased the fishcake emoji. True, this wasn’t high school, so he got a normal grown-up name like everyone else did. Conceptually, it made sense, but staring at the name Naruto Uzumaki in his phone felt wrong somehow. He erased it again and rapped his forehead with the screen.

Finally, he quickly flipped through the keyboard, clicked save, and tossed his phone next to him like it was poisonous. Sasuke felt like the biggest idiot on Earth, or at least under this roof, which was still saying a lot. He’d landed himself in this house, in this job, and now into this bet with Naruto. His phone buzzed again, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to look at it but did anyway. Just Naruto, saying goodnight, but this time under a fox emoji instead of a fishcake one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always loved and appreciated, thank you for reading!


End file.
